Florida Spring Breakers Return To College, Test Positive For COVID-19

Posted 3.23.2020 by Steeve Strange

It’s easy and tempting to think that elected officials like Ilhan Omar or Rand Paul might be the biggest obstacle to President Trump’s COVID -19 recovery efforts, but in reality, the biggest challenge is overcoming human nature.

When it comes to the hedonistic pursuit of a good time, nothing in American society compares to the allure of college Spring Break, where teenage co-eds can visit Florida, drink themselves into a stupor, and have unprotected sex with strangers from all across the country.

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To nobody’s surprise, this year’s Spring Break party doesn’t just mean unplanned pregnancies, but also unplanned cases of Chinese Coronavirus.

The first series of Coronavirus tests revealed that Spring Break hotspots like Fort Lauderdale are hotspots for infection. Five students from the University of Tampa tested positive for COVID -19 upon their return.

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Even though the University of Tampa switched over to online classes a week ago, the sheer lack of simple understanding about the virus’ spread means that this isn’t a party that’s about to stop anytime soon.

Despite committing tens of thousands of dollars toward the pursuit of “education,” viral television interviews of Florida spring breakers demonstrate the depth of their ignorance about the world’s most precarious pandemic in decades.

“If I get corona, I get corona,” said brain-dead college bro Brady Sluder. “At the end of the day, I’m not going to let it stop me from partying. You know, we’ve been waiting, I’ve been waiting, for Miami spring break for a while, about two months we’ve had this trip planned. And we’re just out here having a good time. Whatever happens, happens.”

“It’s really messing up my spring break,” said another college snowflake. “What is there to do here other than go to bars or the beach? And they’re closing all of it. I think they’re blowing it out of proportion. I think it’s doing way too much.”

Another party-goer, who presumably supports Bernie Sanders, claimed, “What they’re doing is bad. We need a refund. This virus ain’t that serious. There are more serious things out there like hunger and poverty, and we need to address that.”

More succinctly, one college douchebag said, “Nobody gives a fuck about coronavirus here.”

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Republican Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has since closed down many of the state’s beaches and banned all gatherings of more than ten people. “The message I think for spring breakers is that the party’s over in Florida, you’re not going to be able to congregate on any beach in the state,” said the governor. “Every single beach will have to abide by the CDC guidelines, no more than 10 people, you have to be socially distant, not every beach is going to remain open, but some will.”

College students for the past decade have been lobbying every university under the sun to provide “safe spaces” just in case they read something from a textbook that hurts their feelings. But now in a time of actual crisis, these selfish entitled college snowflakes refuse to follow orders to keep themselves and the rest of us safe from coronavirus.

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